as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
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I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
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I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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