She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
