At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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