we have pet lesbian snakes
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
