was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
