she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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