I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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