you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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