dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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