The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
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