I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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