You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
