When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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