I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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