drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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