ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
