Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I want her autograph on my taint
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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