I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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