im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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