Michael Bay diarrhea
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
