His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
