I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize