I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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