Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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