A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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