I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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