dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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