I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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