i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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