you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
