Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
