i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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