So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
