I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
