He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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