Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
