I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
