Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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