The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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