I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
