Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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