Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
