I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
