U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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