The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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