it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
