Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
