She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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