Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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