When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
