I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
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