True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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