I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
