forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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